I Read This Thing that Stuck in My Head for Days...

We need to take what kids say more seriously

and what adults say less seriously.

This came up in my feed the other day, and unlike most quotes that slip through my memory like soup through a fork the second I scroll it up my screen, this one stuck with me. I didn’t have a resounding yes, or no. But it spoke to the part of me that is still learning how to mother, how to care for and interact with my friends kids, how to listen to what kids are trying to tell us. How to know, when I’m rushing around in the morning and Jago is yapping away, when I can just absorb the yapping in the atmosphere like sweet little static, and when I need to stop, meet his eyes, and really listen.

I think it’s true that in a sense, I can take what adults say very seriously. How often do I go home, turning and turning an interaction over in my head, confused, or stung or deeply pondering what they said?

But then, I think about when I’m in a place with a lot of people and a lot of social interaction happening at once. And how much of my small talk is just something I pulled out of my butt in a half-panicked state without thinking what I’m saying all the way through. I certainly hope everyone I interact with during the day doesn’t take everything I say so seriously. Sometimes it’s just some shit to say. Sometimes I’m focused on three other things, and stressed, or distracted, or haven’t properly baked a thought yet.

But then, when kids talk. Do they ever small talk? Or when they’re four or five, do they just go straight to the guts of an issue. Why are your teeth yellow? I like your red bike. Yesterday in the night I vomited and mama caught it in her hands (true story.) So sometimes when I ask Jago to patiently wait while I respond to all my adults, I wonder if I’ve got it the wrong way around.

Gosh, every single part of parenting and raising kids can be split apart and examined for days. Take a kid, interrupting a conversation between two adults.

You can look at it as; a child needs to learn it is rude to interrupt, they are not the center of the universe, they have to wait their turn.

You can look at it as; where is it developmentally appropriate to assume they even know how to wait yet? How much do we impress upon our children a framework of manners so complete that many adults don’t even abide by it?

You can look at it as; if we’re constantly having all our conversations and getting back to all our adults before sitting with and talking to our kids, are we always telling them what they have to say is at the bottom of the priority list.

Parenthood is haunted by a continuous voice in the head, emboldened by scare-articles and useless opinions from strangers. It goes like this; if they do too much of x now, they will be like y in the future. If you give into too many of their tantrums now, they will be entitled in the future. If you let them watch too much tv now, they will be lazy in the future. If you and your spouse argue in front of your kids you better bloody make it up to each other in front of them otherwise you’re going to warp and ruin the way they relate and act in their own adult relationships in the future.

No pressure. None at all.

And the problem is, for every x + y equation, there is one stating the complete opposite outcome which also has merit.

If you don’t let them cry and feel their emotions, they’re going to bottle it up and never know how to show their emotions and their adult life of relationships will be ruined.

If you don’t let them watch tv now, once they’re adults and finally have the freedom to, they’re going to become obsessed and overindulge. And become lazy tv watchers.

If you don’t let your kids see you angry or upset or sad or disappointed they will not get a complete understanding that the full spectrum of human emotions are ok and normal.

We need to take what kids say more seriously

and what adults say less seriously.

It’s true that kids only know how to speak the truth for a certain while, and sure, after a while they start playing with telling lies or stories as a normal part of development. But I do think there is something to this quote. There’s something calming about knowing half the time, adults are just talking a whole lot of shit, influenced by the kind of day they’re having, their insecurities, their to-do list, their attention span, their upbringing, their experiences, their disappointments, their desires, everything. Even the TV show they’re watching at the moment. (don’t believe me? You best believe when I was binge watching Suits I became so sharp and sassy with hard-nosed lawyer-speak in my Slack messages my co-workers were like… what’s up with her?!)

And there’s also something a little magical about realizing when we talk to a kid, they’re a little closer to the magical ether of the mystery world than we are. I mean, where were they a year before they were in someone’s pregnant belly? Like… they can’t have just been nowhere. What was that place like? What did they see?

I dunno. But this little article is a reminder from me to me that when my son’s constant verbal dialogue is drilling a hole in my brain (to non parents, this sounds like a horrible thing to say about ones own child. To a parent. You know. I know you know) sometimes it pays to stop my own inner chaos, my inner rushing, my inner focus on anything else, and listen to what he actually has to say.